Monday, November 8, 2010


Acute Mommyitis Symptoms and Description (latin: Maternalitisus Acutus)

The Center for Disease Control estimates that non life-threatening, basically harmless disease affects millions of women worldwide. Men are immune to this disease but are susceptible to a similar B-233318TG virus that adheres to brain matter in the frontal lobe and heart muscle. It affects men in similar way as women, but does not affect mens' ability to sleep (and snore) while a newborn offspring is screaming within 19 inches of his face.
In women, the virus responsible for this disease is the B-25548RG virus. The virus begins attacking during pregnancy, making women unable to discuss anything but their pregnancy. This is most prevelant in the first pregnancy; subsequent pregnancies have fewer - if any - symptoms.
The virus affects primarily the brain and heart and has numerous symptoms. They are as follows:
1. Upon birth of the child, a mother will search online, in stores and peruse eBay for the perfect pair of Robeez slippers for her infant. She will then spend hours assembling the cutest outfits to properly showcase these coveted Canadian shoes.
2. The mother, if breastfeeding, will walk around day and night with one or both breasts fully exposed. Whether wearing a nursing bra or a sports bra, the mother will lose most inhibitions regarding the exposure of one's breasts in public. Cases have been reported of the mother answering the door for UPS with a crying newborn in her arms and one breast peeking out behind the baby's head. Upon making the first brave journey to a dining establishment with her new family, the mother will scream "WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO GET OUT, TOO!!!!" at complete strangers who frown upon her and her crying infant and suggest that they leave the restaurant.
3. The mother, within one month of giving birth, will have the late-night television schedule memorised and will enjoy 1997 Law & Order episodes at 4 in the morning.
4. By the time her child is a toddler the mother will lose the Barf Reflex. With unaffected people, when someone is about to puke within a 6 foot radius of you, you instinctively step back. However, numerous studies have shows that mothers will step forward to assist the puker. There have been reports of mothers actually allowing a crying, feverish child to throw up on her and in her hand. Reflexively cupping her hands under the child's mouth, the mother bears the brunt of the vomit and will take the child into the ER while still wearing a puke-encrusted t-shirt.